I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
