What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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