Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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