I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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