you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
