I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Randomize
