So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
