i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
