a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
