Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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