i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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