Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
