I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We just shotgunned beers for America
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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