Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
