just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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