Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
