Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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