dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
