Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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