There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
