Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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