pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
