I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
