My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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