You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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