Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
