my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
