a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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