Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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