What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
