Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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