Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
