I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
