***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
