So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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