my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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