You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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