I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
