I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
