Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
