I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just blew my weed a kiss
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
