He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
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