He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
