should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
