Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
