Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
