i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
