A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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