Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
