my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
