I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
