I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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