So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
