That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
