Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
don't judge my taste in strippers
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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