Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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