You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
